I found your video at YouTube, and it really moved all of my emotions… I am in the same kind of relationship, I think I am driving myself crazy with the ´no commitment´ but promises spoken. I am 34 and I really want to have a serious relationship you know kids and home, etc… but I am in the middle of a 12- years on-off relationship in which we are not able to change patterns and the worst, he cannot accept nor commit, even though he loves me and I love him. I am writing just to have more information, I really felt empathy with your video. Thanks for sharing.
12 Years and Counting
Dearest 12 Years and Counting:
Love is not enough.
Tell yourself and then him that you’ve had enough and mean it.
It will be hard. It will hurt. Some days, a lot. Some days, you’ll want to go back so badly, even your teeth will hurt. Then your hair. Parts of your body you didn’t even know were capable of pain. They’ll hurt. The voices in your head will take you on a scary journey. They’ll mumble in a loop: I’ll never find another man, certainly not a good one. I’m destined to be alone. I’m 34, it’s over for me. I’ve made a horrid mistake. What was I thinking, giving up on my last chance at love – with a perfectly good person. So what, he can’t commit? Do I really even need that? After all, we love each other. Some people don’t have anybody. Am I being too demanding, unrealistic, fair?
You’ll long for someone to just tell you what to do—and then for the courage to do it. You’ll want them to tell you that it’s okay—you’re okay. This isn’t your only shot. You are NOT too old to have what you truly want (and you certainly aren’t at 34!). That it’s just as okay to leave a GOOD man you love if he can’t give you what you want, as it is to leave a bad man who’s, well, bad. You’ll want someone to tell you that what you want is coming. It is.
I am delighted, 12 Years, to tell you all these things won’t hurt forever. I am happy to hold you up in faith and confidence that what you want is out there. But my part is contingent upon yours, which is this: You must let go.
Because here’s the thing: There is nothing new here to learn. After twelve years of doing the same dance of chicken over and over again, the choice is as clear as my blue eyes after a two-week vacation and long day at the spa: You can either stay or let go.
Let go, 12 Years.
Here’s why: If you choose to stay, expect more of the same. If you choose to let go, expect none of the same. Expect a lot of change and doubt and sadness and grief and then a reward that makes it all worth it: Freedom, hope, and possibility will return. The dark gates will open. You’ll get to reclaim your life and your dreams all over again, along with a real shot at the end game you say you’re so desperately after: Love, family, commitment.
But first, prepare for short-term pain for this long-term gain, because letting go requires it. To get from point A to B, you’ve got to take a risk—perhaps the biggest of your life. To do that, you’ll also need the safety that comes from self-love.
And if that’s in short supply, as I know it can be after being stuck in the quicksand of an unsatisfying, 144-month relationship, where you’ve spent too much time screaming “SEE ME, HEAR ME, GIVE ME…” either out loud or with your inside voice, then start there. With loving yourself, taking what may be a hard journey inward to understand why you stayed so long and how you can make the changes necessary to avoid making the same mistakes in love next time or shortchange yourself of what you deserve. Once you’ve got the art of self-love and the practice of letting go mastered, what happens next won’t matter. Because you’ll be set up to experience happiness no matter what. You’ll also have the tools you need to bring healthy, committed, romantic love into your life, which will be icing on the cake of life. From there, it will simply be a matter of using them to make good choices, and keeping your eyes and heart open.
I know this. I’ve lived it. I’ve been there. Twelve years was my sentence. I’m now almost fourteen years into a better love story—one I couldn’t have imagined for myself way back when–with a man who has not disappointed (aside from forgetting that Tuesdays are trash days …). And, most importantly, with myself. I want the same for you.
You can’t turn back time, but you can move forward with boldness in the direction of the love you want most. It’s waiting for you, 12 Years and No More Counting… when you’re ready.
I’m rooting for you!
Fans & Followers
Watch Jill’s TEDxWilmington Talk: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go
Learn more about Jill Sherer Murray: www.letgoforit.com
Jill Sherer Murray is the founder of Let Go For It, a brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. Jill’s TEDx talk as well as her advice column, Big Wild Love: Let Go For It℠ were created in service to her loyal and growing fan base, who seek support in the act and the art of letting go for the love they desire and deserve. Follow Jill on on Twitter @letgoforit, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.