I’m 27 years old and I live in Sweden.
I just got the urge to write you. First of all, I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are!
I suffer from borderline personality disorder. It comes from my childhood-trauma, they say.. My father and stepmom wouldn’t take care of us, children. They wouldn’t let us eat, she used to grab my little brother (who at the time was only about 7 months old) – hold him to the “sky” with all her power to throw him onto the floor. My father watched every time and did nothing. We, children, would go from door to door to ask for money or food. I could sit straight up and be quiet, yet, from nowhere, she would dive onto my face to shake me violently and say she was gonna kill my ass. And then she would hunt us throughout the house. They would have sex in front of us, and that was to “teach us”. There is so much more I can’t even begin to tell you 10 % of it. Today I am so afraid.. Frightened actually. Or horrified, over the risk of being abandoned (like by my boyfriend). I think about it all the time so I was just sitting here sobbing and crying my eyes out over the fact that “tonight might be the night he leaves me”..
So I was crying and crying, and then I went on YouTube. Then your video about letting go popped up on the front page. And I watched it, and I cried (and laughed) some more. I cried, of course, because I felt so sorry for your loss. And I also cried because I knew you were right.
I need to let go of the past and get over my fear of being rejected or abandoned. You made me believe I can get over that fear and I thank you. I thank you so much. It meant a lot to me. Thank you and God bless you. You’re in my prayers, thank you for your important message to people everywhere.
Leaving the past behind
First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. Even though I don’t know you, I want to tell you that you’re beautiful too, inner strength and courage shining through every word and syllable of your note. It takes a lot of bravery to know who you are and to survive such torture. I am moved and humbled by both your story and your strength. And in awe of your kindness, generosity, resilience, and love. You should be proud of the person you are—battle scars of bipolar disorder notwithstanding, since you are human after all.
Since you’re not really asking me for advice, I won’t give you any. Except (okay, I can’t help myself, sigh :)) maybe just three little notes, especially as you work on the challenge of letting go of your fear of abandonment by your boyfriend.
- As you take ongoing steps towards healing yourself from the horrors of your complicated childhood (for which there aren’t enough “I’m so sorry’s” in the world, as I bear hug you hard from afar), I encourage you to do so with the loving, guidance of a trained therapist. The right one can take you far in life and I truly hope you’ll go that route, if you’re not already.
- No matter what happens, love yourself first and most. And not from a place of ego, but from a place that keeps you connected to the deepest parts of yourself so you know who you are, that you deserve the healthy love of another healthy person, and that no matter what happens, you’ll always have the love for yourself to keep you safe and warm.
- Remember that you’re a survivor. (How many others would have come out of such a horrible situation in the same self-preserving way, praying for others, having compassion for their loss?) And survivors survive. Whether your boyfriend stays or goes, you’ll always be okay. Because you’re calling the shots now. As an adult, you get to choose how things go–and how you respond in the wake of heartbreak, frustration, and disappointment. With that said, the trick is not to focus on your fear so much that you make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, focus on the picture of that happy, thriving, warm, and loving life you want–that sends your heart palpitating in the best of ways. Keep that image, and any positive emotion you have around it, in the foremost part of your mind. Embrace the feeling of peace and joy and let it fill you up. Do it over and over and over and over and over and over again—as many places and as often as you can (e.g., while driving, making breakfast, taking a shower, standing in line at the grocery store, walking the dog, I mean EVERYWHERE). That’s how you manifest pictures into reality. And it works. I’m telling you, it does!
What else can I say, Leaving, but I’m thrilled to know that my talk helped in showing you that it’s possible to get beyond your fear and find happiness. That’s Christmas in July in my world. It’s also why I do what I do, because if we can’t learn from one another, well then, what’s the point?
…it’s you, and not me, rising up and doing all the important work here, fueled by the love you have for yourself, and a willingness to take what I have offer as a lesson for moving forward. Keep pushing past the emotional residue of your childhood. Remember that you only have to move that boulder up the hill one inch, step, and grunt at a time. And that once at the top, the view will be worth it.
I have no doubt you’ll get there. God bless you too, Leaving. You’re in MY prayers. I’m rooting for you and sending you overflowing goblets of love.
Fans & Followers
Watch Jill’s TEDxWilmington Talk: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go
Learn more about Jill Sherer Murray: www.letgoforit.com
Jill Sherer Murray is an award-winning writer and speaker who studies relationships and self-growth. She is also the founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. Jill’s TEDx talk as well as her advice column, Big Wild Love: Let Go For It® were created in service to her loyal and growing fan base, who seek support in the act and the art of letting go for the love they desire and deserve. Follow Jill @letgoforit on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.