My podcast guest, Jill Sherer Murray, is a TEDx speaker, author, award-winning journalist, and founder of Let Go For It®. In her TEDx talk, “The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go”, she helps people let go in order to have love and a better life. Her column Big Wild Love: Let Go For It® helps viewers who’ve reached out to her for advice and inspiration after seeing her talk. She’s studied improv at the famous Second City Training Center in Chicago, wrote a popular blog called “Diary of a Writer in Mid-Life Crisis” for www.wildriverreview.com, and documented her year-long journey to lose weight for Shape Magazine.
Check out highlights below for episode #313: How to Let Go to Let Love In with TEDx Speaker, Jill Sherer Murray.
Jill, tell us about your TEDx talk, “The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go”.
When I was in my 30s and early 40s, I was in a relationship with someone I deeply loved. I wanted marriage, and he didn’t. I spent a large part of those years hoping, wishing, longing, and praying that he’d spring up in the middle of the night and say, “She’s the one! I want to marry her!” Shockingly, it didn’t happen.
I had to come to realize the truth about our romantic relationship. He was wonderful, but I had to let go of him and an entire life, so I could move forward and have the life I thought was only available to other people.
What does letting go mean to you?
I had to stop and look in the mirror and ask myself, why am I stuck? What am I not getting from this relationship? And how do I get what I want from life. I love your whole ‘woman of value’ thing, because that’s what happened for me. Radical self-love gives you the confidence to do scary things… like letting go.
Radical self-love is taking time for introspection, whether it’s journaling, therapy, talking to friends; figuring out your limiting beliefs that have informed your situation. In my case, I thought I had to be a perfect size 6 to find love. Now I have a man who loves me no matter what size I am.
Instead of looking to others to give you answers, stop and ask yourself how the actions that are driving you are serving you—or not.
When I let go of Hector at 42, I had to let go of the outdated belief that I was too old to find love. If we have an awareness of our beliefs, we can tell our old beliefs to get out of the way.
We run from the truth, because we want a different truth. We’re so afraid of going through the ‘tunnel of pain’. It’s cold, dark, wet and we’re alone. We’re already in discomfort and live in that space instead of getting to the other side and not burying the truth.
This is the difference between letting go and coping/accepting/normalizing/excusing the situation.
When I left at 42, I knew there are a lot of ways to be happy. Not just finding love. When you have radical self-love and know and live your truth, you become much less dependent and reliant on a relationship to fortify you. You always have to be ready to walk away.
What’s your 6-step process for letting go successfully so people are ready to find love again?
- Cultivate radical self-love. Examine yourself/beliefs and ask and answer the hard questions in the mirror. That will empower you to move through the rest of the steps. Accept the reality of the situation, and own your mistakes. There’s no such thing as perfect. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Know that you’ll be okay. Ask for help and support.
- Stop sleep-walking through your epiphanies. That’s the truth inside you. It’s important to be aware of the moments of revelation. They are gifts to guide you.
- Figure out what you want. What do you want from love? Do you want to be married or in a long-term relationship? Figure it out (and don’t settle for less than you want and need)!
- Lay out your options for getting there. When I left Hector, I could have lived in the Antarctic. My options were pretty open. What are your options and responsibilities [for getting out to meet your man]?
- Create a letting go hit list. What beliefs do you need to let go of to get what you want? Do you believe all men want 20-years olds and skinny women? Make a list of all that you need to let go of.
- Put it into a documented plan. When you write on paper, there is more accountability. When doubt came up for me [during my letting go process], I had something tangible to turn back to and keep me on track.
You have a happy ending, Jill! Can you share what happened when you finally let go?
I found love on Match.com! Online dating was scary, but I knew at this stage of the game, I wouldn’t live with someone for 12 years again. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t afraid to ask for it. The man who became my husband sent me an email of a couple walking along the beach, and he wrote, “this is what I think of when I think of you”. I sent him back a photo of a big diamond ring (which is what I thought of when I thought of him)!
You don’t need to date someone for five years to know if he’s right for you. There’s no perfection. There’s baggage. But, if they come with the desire to have what you have and a dose of radical self-love, that’s a win. And that’s what I found!
Fans & Followers
Watch Jill’s TEDxWilmington Talk: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go
Learn more about Jill Sherer Murray: www.letgoforit.com
Jill Sherer Murray is an award-winning writer and speaker who studies relationships and self-growth. She is also the founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. Jill’s TEDx talk as well as her advice column, Big Wild Love: Let Go For It® were created in service to her loyal and growing fan base, who seek support in the act and the art of letting go for the love they desire and deserve. Follow Jill @letgoforit on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.