Why conflict is good for your relationship

Do you fight a lot with your partner? And are you worried your arguments are a sign of a deeper, more serious problem — maybe even the beginning of the end? 

While constant conflict is (of course) not healthy, having the occasional disagreement is. 

And yet, we all know those couples who say they don’t fight, right? The truth is, if that’s true, they’re probably not really talking to one another, bringing their true selves to the table, or allowing themselves to be vulnerable inside the relationship.

Which is setting them up for even more problems. The kind that could be avoided, if only they welcomed conflict as a way to enjoy a deeper connection with one another. 

I have a confession to make: My husband and I fight.

It’s true! We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, it’s a doozy. 

And usually, it’s when one of us (me) is pushing the boundaries of the other one (him), by not giving that person the space they need to deal with a particular issue (me), being too demanding (me again) or impatient (me again, again) or frustrated (me, I just don’t understand why remembering all of my friends’ names since childhood is hard), or unrealistic (me, sigh).

Whatever. You get it.

Anyway, the good news is that we both know that fighting is natural and necessary. That, it’s more than okay to be open about our feelings, speak our truth with kindness and respect, and consider our relationship as a safe space to be fully ourselves. 

Which is why I’m convinced my husband and I have one of the most solid relationships I know. Because we don’t pent up our feelings or stay angry for too long. We also don’t worry that the problem is about anything other than what’s going on in the moment.  We have long let go of the fantasy that the best kinds of relationships are those where two people never disagree or metaphorically duke it out (which is not only realistic, but sounds kinda boring, right?). 

How to Fight in a Productive Way

When it comes to fighting, the key is not to avoid it, but rather, to do it productively, in a respectful way, with the shared goal of getting to the actual issue, resolving it, and as importantly, being heard. 

My husband and I also know that, eventually, one of us (me, usually me) will break the stalemate by saying, “I don’t want to fight … let’s make up” first (me, me, me, me, me), while the other one sulks until it happens (him).

And you know what, I’m okay with that.

Why you want to fight with your partner...

If you’re looking for a relationship where there’s never any conflict, well, you’re going to be looking for a very long time. Because even if you found it, you figure out pretty quickly that you don’t want it after all. Trust me on this one.

Trying to keep the peace at all costs is not just unhealthy (and never works for long, because you can only hold a beach ball down in the water for so long), it’s also one of the main pitfalls of love… Instead, have at it the right way. You, your partner, and your relationship will be better off for it! 

So… Should You Just Accept the Fighting? 

If the constant struggle and conflict is starting to weigh on you and you’re really not sure whether your relationship is meant to be, try using this decision tree. It’s my proven path for finding out whether you should stay and work it out — or leave and let go, so you can find true happiness elsewhere.