Facing the Mirror with The divorce Doctor

It was my supreme pleasure to be a guest on Elizabeth Cohen, Ph.D.’s The Divorce Doctor podcast. In this episode we had a great and very vulnerable conversation about what it really means to let go, those really gut-wrenching albeit life-changing epiphany moments, the timeline involved in letting go (aka, you don't just decide you're going to move and then wake up the next morning in a new house, with new things, etc., letting go is a process!) and how people can truly use the act of letting go to move forward for what they want.

You can listen to the full episode below, or keep reading to hear more about our conversation!

What is the one word that best describes the end of my relationship? Love.

Although there was plenty of pain in that separation, this was the first time I ended a relationship in a space of love. My ex led me to a journey of self-discovery and self-love in a way that I’d never before experienced.

It’s so easy to say you love yourself and there are all these different ways that we try to love ourselves - our weight, our professional career, our lives in comparison to everyone else. But this gave me the opportunity to really love ME. That inner voice was finally speaking to me, reminding me that what I wanted was possible, was real, was there waiting for me to go and claim it, to believe in it so fully that I wouldn’t settle for anything else.

My relationship ending gave me that. I’ll forever be grateful for that.

The timing of epiphanies

I knew very early on that this relationship was just not going to take me where I wanted it to. At least, subconsciously I knew. I stayed with my ex for 12 years, but if I’m honest with myself, I think I knew within the first couple of years that he wasn’t going to give me what I wanted.

My conscious mind didn’t like that. So, I stayed. I didn’t yet love myself enough to listen to that inner voice that was telling me this wasn’t the right relationship for me.

Part of that stemmed from the relationship I’d just had before this one. It was AWFUL. After that breakup, I went into self-protection mode. I didn’t want to ever be hurt again the way that man had hurt me. So, even though part of me was screaming that this wonderful man wasn’t the right one, the other part of me was screaming that he was the safe option.

Letting go means looking in the mirror

Staying is hard, but letting go is harder. Really letting go requires us to do the hard thing and look internally. It’s easy to fixate on external things. The change comes when we realize it isn’t the weight, the person, the object, etc. that needs to let go of. Sure, that thing or person might need to be let go of, but so do those internal thoughts surrounding them! 

We have to let go of the idea, the dream, the expectation, the belief that we could grow into loving this person (maybe?). THEN we can let go.

For me, in this relationship, it came down to the time my ex finally agreed to move in with me. We’d set up a time to see a condo together. And he just didn’t show up. Twice. For me, that’s when that little inner voice was so loud that I couldn’t stop hearing it. The wrongness of our relationship was slapping me in the face and I couldn’t unsee it.

I stood in the mirror that day crying. I had to ask myself several questions. And I had to be honest and listen to the answers, no matter how much they hurt.

Who do you want to be? Do you want to be that person? Do you want to be that person that is okay with this forever? 

Because time goes by very quickly and very slowly. And we don't realize time passes when we're stuck somewhere. We think we have time. I kept telling myself: I have time for this. I don't have to do it today. I don't have to. Before you know it all these years have passed.

I felt that so acutely at that moment - this is really a decision time. It's either going to be him or you, who do you choose? It's him or you.

I finally chose me.

Letting go is a process

Even though I had come to the conclusion that it was time for me to choose me, I didn’t just leave the next day. Letting go takes time. It took me another year before I actually left. But I used that time to honor myself and my partner and anyone else involved. I made sure that when I left, I was leaving in the right way and for the right reasons. 

No matter how long it takes you, don’t be ashamed. Don’t feel guilty. It will take you time to untangle your life with the other person’s life. Time to remember and step into the person you were born to be without that partner. There is no wrong way to let go. It’s a journey.

Want to know more about the letting go process? Read that blog here!