Silence: the silent relationship killer

“Are you really fine?” Your partner asks you, after you’ve pretty much given them the silent treatment for a notable period of time, “Is everything okay?” And you say, “Yep. Fine.”

You know what I’m talking about.

I’m an communications specialist, and I’ve been writing and developing communications strategies for decades. And “Yep, fine” is not messaging that works.

It won’t educate or engage your audience—even if it’s an audience of one—or further your cause.

It might intrigue people looking for a relationship based on drama and dishonesty, who see drawing you out as a personal challenge; but if you want a relationship with someone who is healthy and functional, steeped in intimacy and authenticity, then the strategy of saying “yep fine” will only alienate, confuse and exhaust.

Which is why you must actually say something else.

And this video is all about communicating in a relationship - or scroll down to read what’s in the video!

Why we say “yep, fine”

There are a lot of reasons—conscious and otherwise—that you may feel like you need to keep your feelings to yourself.

Maybe you think what you have to say won’t matter because your partner either sucks or doesn’t deserve it and won’t care anyway.

Maybe it has nothing to do with your partner, who is wonderful—and may have no idea what’s going on for you or if they inadvertently did something to hurt you.

Maybe you’re a people pleaser and don’t want to rock the boat.

Or you’re just not ready to share, you’re still working through your feelings.

Or you don’t know how.

Or you’re too upset.

Or you’re afraid sharing will drive that person away.

Or they won’t care or respond in a way you want.

Or, that you and your feelings don’t matter – that you don’t deserve to speak your truth.

Or, have someone listen and be there for you.

There are all sorts of reasons why we don’t say what we need to say when we’re upset.

And I could write a book about all the many scenarios—in fact, many have. But whatever the reason, in not speaking our truth, sharing how we feel especially when asked, we risk derailing even the best of relationships, which isn’t fair to you or frankly anybody.

Good relationships hinge on good communication

Look at every rom-com movie under the sun. The tension always comes from silence, assumptions, or the fear of being honest. When Harry Met Sally. Bridgerton. Even shows like Breaking Bad. Ozark. They all involve some form of miscommunication that may make for a good Netflix binge, but not a healthy relationship.

Harmonious relationships that go the distance are built on authenticity and trust.

Where people feel free to be who they are—and share their feelings—without worrying their partners will leave them or worse. That’s because conflict is a healthy part of relationship. Sometimes even necessary. Research backs this up.

The problem is not whether you fight, but how you do it that will ultimately determine your fate.

What you can do to open up

Do you play dirty? Do you share your feelings? Or do you say, “I’m fine” when in reality, you’re not.

If you find yourself in that latter category, here are some tips for opening up in a way that may make you feel a bit safer about it:

• Timing is everything. Make sure the conditions are ripe for good communications, knowing there’s a time and a place for certain conversations. So don’t bring up how unhappy you are with what your partner said “that time” when either one of you is sick with the flu or about to give a big presentation or step into a complicated situation at home or work.

• Don’t come in hot. If you’re feeling angry, really angry, and your partner is asking what’s wrong, kindly let them know that you’re still processing your feelings and that you’ll let them know when you’re ready to talk. Don’t engage when you’re in the heat of emotion.

• Timing is everything. While you shouldn’t have deep conversations when you’re steeped in emotion, you also don’t want to let feelings fester. So work to talk about issues when they happen, so they’re fresh in both parties’ minds. It’s too easy to say you’ll address a difficult subject later and then, let all sorts of time pass, and tell yourself it’s best to just let it go at that point. That’s how resentment builds. So get it out when it happens.

• Consider your tone. You don’t want to be overly aggressive and accusing, or meekly passive where you’re apologizing for how you feel. Instead, you want to be assertive. Firm in how you feel, honest, and open to hearing the other person’s side.

• Give the benefit of the doubt as appropriate. If your partner is a jerk or is doing the same thing over and over and over, with no care to your feelings, that’s one thing. In which case, again, why are you still there? But if your partner is good in that you know they love and care and respect you, it’s safe to assume good intentions. Or, that they have no idea what they may have done wrong.

• Let go of expectations. Allow yourself to go into the discussion without the expectation that your partner will see it all your way. Be prepared to compromise. That’s the key to effective relationships – to make sure you both leave the discussion or situation feeling good about what you got from it.

• Let go of ego. That is specifically about your messaging when talking about your feelings. Instead of putting all of it on the other person, saying things like, “I feel like YOU always do [x].” Say, “I feel like [insert emotion] when you do [x].” Own your part.

Happy relationships are not defined by a single conversation

I had a friend who once said to me, when I was reluctant to share my feelings with a boyfriend, “If it’s that fragile, is it worth it?”

Promise each other that you’ll always create a safe and loving space for honesty, even when it’s hard.

If you’re not sure how to approach a subject because it’s deeper than you can handle, there’s nothing wrong in reaching out to a trained counselor or therapist for help. Whatever you need to do to push through and find the safety and confidence you need to speak your truth.

The thing is: The silent treatment is never a healthy or productive way to go.

It leaves everybody to their own devices—and imaginations—in the worst of ways.

That’s because feelings, left to simmer in an unattended way, don’t get better. They only get worse.

So, if you want your relationship to go the distance, speak up and encourage your partner to do the same.