Why we need the Tunnel of Pain
If you’ve ever been on a date or have experienced love (and loss) in any form, you know the “Tunnel of Pain”
We can find ourselves in this situation in any area of our life — from romance and friendship, to career and work.
In this article, I’ll consider it in the context of love and relationships.
Watch my take on the Tunnel of Pain in this video, or scroll down to read on.
When do we Encounter the Tunnel of Pain?
In this case, we often find ourselves in the TOP as a result of one of two scenarios:
We’re either struggling to find the courage to let go of a relationship or a situation that we KNOW is just not right for us. In which case, we’re standing in front of the Tunnel, deciding whether or when to go in.
We’ve already let go, and we’re reeling in the aftermath, trying to figure out what comes next. And we’re actually in the Tunnel, deciding whether to turn around and get out, or push our way through to the light.
In either case, it’s clear that the Tunnel is not a five-star resort.
To the contrary, it’s cold and dark and wet and you’re alone.
The bats and birds of your imagination, and limiting beliefs, are pecking away at you with all sorts of awful thoughts.
When we Fear the TOP Too Much to Let Go
If you’re still in that relationship, working up to the courage to let go, those bats and birds could be telling you not to do it.
They could be saying: “You don’t deserve better. You’ll regret it. You’re too [insert whatever] to find someone else. You’ll be alone.”
That person was right, whoever that person is.
That voice in your head telling you, you’re lucky to have found anyone, to just stay put and settle. That this will be your only shot at love. It’s okay, lovebug. Life is unfair. Besides, you don’t have to figure this out right now. You’ve got oodles of time. Order a pizza, a bottle of wine. Relax. You’re all good.
If you’ve already let go, your talk track might sound like this: OMG, now what? Did I do the right thing? Who am I without this person? This relationship? Will I be alone in this Tunnel forever?
And, what if I want to turn around: Yes, I might want to turn around because this tunnel is sucky. Will I ever go on another date again?
Can we avoid the Tunnel of Pain?
How did I even get here? What happened? What role did I play in how it all went down? What do I really really believe is possible for me in terms of love and relationship? What do I deserve? How can I do better the next time?
Sound familiar? I’ve been there… And I know exactly how both of these scenarios feel.
And I’ve asked myself ALL of these questions.
When I was stuck in a 12-year relationship that just wasn’t doing it for me, working up the courage to let go, I cased that Tunnel. I stared at it in my head for hours — trying to calculate all the different ways I could get around it, without actually having to go “in,” so I could spare myself any more pain.
Can I walk beside it? Can I climb over it? Can I swim under it?
The answer was always the same.
No.
The only way to the other side was straight through.
That meant being brave, and open to whatever came, and willing to take my lessons.
The ones I had about the relationship I was either in or left behind, and the lessons that related to any revelations I’d had about myself when I was in the Tunnel.
How to get through the Tunnel of Pain
Getting through that Tunnel successfully — in a way that ultimately advances your own cause — is really about putting one step in front of the other, and just making sure you keep walking.
It’s about resisting the urge to turn around, staying very focused on what you want from love, why you’re letting go or need to let go, and what all those conversations with your bats and birds are telling you needs to happen next.
And, of course, you have to be willing to listen. And take copious notes. And prepare yourself to act on what you learn.
lessons we learn from going through it
The Tunnel of Pain sucks by design because that suckiness is really there to serve you. In fact, it’s the actual point. Because I don’t know about you, but all I’ve ever taken from a day at the spa is OMG, more please.
But what I’ve taken from gum surgery?
A notarized vow to myself to floss for life. I don’t care how tired I am, or how late it is, or how early it is, or how lazy I am, or if we’re in the middle of the apocalypse, or if I’m in captivity, or whatever. If I’m not in the warmth, safety and coziness of my bathroom, where floss is abundant, I’m gonna get as creative as I need to get, I’m going to find and roll anything that remotely resembles string, between my teeth because I don’t ever want to have gum surgery again. Ever. No thank you.
Once you’ve had gum surgery, you start to see floss very differently. That filter changes from a skull and crossbones, to yes, please – more, I love you floss if you’re all I need to avoid the periodontist.
The Tunnel of Pain will have you think twice about choosing your metaphorical periodontist in love and relationship. It will. So go with it.
Embrace that pain when you’re in there, knowing it’s designed to change our lens, to remember how not-so-delightful it was to make choices from a place of limiting beliefs and old wounds, and to replace those choices with more empowered versions—born from our memory of the Tunnel and all that got us there.
How the Tunnel creates a better You
That Tunnel gives us “yes” — a safe place where we don’t have to meet anybody else’s needs to sow the seeds of our own evolution, and what comes next.
A walk from one side to the other gives us the emotional space and insight we need to course-correct.
So by the time we’re finally out, we’ve hardwired ourselves to attract different and healthier partners and find ourselves attracted back to them.
We’re flossing. And, it’s almost reflexive. You with me?
Okay, so, with all of that said (and I promise you — no more dental talk), what does it take to get yourself into the Tunnel and, once there, to stay committed to getting to the other side?
After all, those bats and birds can be LOUD.
3 steps to get through the tunnel
First, embrace it — and where you’re at.
Be in there and be ready to receive whatever comes. Take off your shoes and put your feet in the muck, and walk tall with your eyes wide open.
Be open to seeing the parts of yourself that you may never have seen before — and that may be very well derailing your efforts in love and relationship.
That may be self-sabotaging you instead of championing you.
That may be the actual reason once and for all why you keep making the same mistakes and choices in love.
And so you can figure out what’s standing between you and what you want most. You can do it. I believe in you.
Second, Use your time productively.
Commit to using the time in the Tunnel productively, so when you come out, you’re no longer running on default.
You’re actually making choices in a full state of consciousness, based on what you know you want, what you know you deserve, and what you know is possible for you.
In my book, Big Wild Love: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go, I give you five ways to get through the Tunnel so you come out ready to get after it.
Seriously, it will help you get through the trek!
Five ways: Really specific, really tangible, really helpful. So to get it, click the link below!
